Cheaper by The Dozen- Quick version
by hollytiger
Summary: Based off the book and movies, this is the story of Quinn, Puck, and their twelve children and their ups and downs. Full summary inside.


Cheaper by the Dozen-Quick Version

by

hollytiger

_Summary: After he was honorably discharged from the Air Force a few years after Finn's death, Noah Puckerman went to college and became a football coach. He and Quinn had eleven more kids besides their oldest, Beth. The family returns to Lima when Puck is offered a coaching job at his and Quinn's alma mater, Ohio Northern University. When Quinn's auto-biography is going to be published, she has to leave their home in Lima and go to New York for a week, leaving Puck in charge. This is their story._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. Based off the real life story and movies, this is my take on the Gilbreth(the original)/Baker(movie) family's story with Quick and Puck as the patriarch and matriarch of the Puckerman brood._

Chapter 1 Meet the Puckermans/Decisions

_Twelve is our lucky number. It's the number of wine coolers my husband and I drank the night we gave each other our virginities. It's the number of times we'd been busted by both of our mothers having sex in either of our bedrooms. It's also the number of how many children we have._

_Noah, or Puck, as I call him, and I have been married for twenty years. We've known each other since high school. I was fourteen, he was fifteen. We've done a lot of stupid stuff in our lives. When we were sixteen and seventeen, Puck and I had sex for the first time. We conceived our oldest daughter Beth that night we drank those twelve wine coolers. I was dating another guy at the time and didn't want him to know that I had cheated on him. That was Puck's best friend, Finn. Finn found out eventually and confronted us about it. He was upset for awhile, but he eventually forgave us for what Puck and I had done. We were in a wonderful Glee Club in our high school in Ohio and at our first Regionals, I went into labor with Beth. I was all ready to keep her, until my mother, who had kicked me out five and a half months prior and had shown up to our performance, learned that Puck was the father, not Finn. She gave me an ultimatum: Give Beth up for adoption, or we would be leaving Lima and Beth and I would never see Puck again. She never even gave him a chance. So I did the smart thing. I put Beth up for adoption._

_My mother realized the stupidity of her ultimatum a year later, when my delayed Post-Partum Depression kicked in after the Glee Club lost at Nationals in New York. Puck and I had still been seeing each other (in secret of course) and a bombshell hit the both of us at the beginning of our senior year of high school. Shelby, Beth's adoptive mother, had moved to Lima with Beth. My little girl was back and I was determined to get my baby back. I regretted giving her up for adoption so much. I messed up big time though. Shelby left Lima halfway through the school year with Beth. A month and a half later, Finn was about to marry his girlfriend, Shelby's biological daughter Rachel. I was on my way to city hall when I got sideswiped by a pickup truck. I was temporarily paralyzed. After the accident, Shelby sent a letter and updates on Beth weekly, apologizing for her behavior about how I acted._

_I regained the use of my legs just before Senior Prom. Puck and I went our seperate ways after graduation. I went to Yale, and Puck moved to L.A. We visited each other here and there, but still kept our relationship a secret. I lied to our friends that I was dating a professor and Puck lied that he was hooking up with his female pool clients in L.A. We were busted by our friend Santana when I pretended to enjoy "experimenting" with her. I admitted to her it was not for me and that Puck and I were still together this whole time. Santana just let out a smirk and said she knew it._

_A few months later, tragedy struck. Finn suddenly died. He was only nineteen years old. Rachel was devastated. I was in shock. I didn't go back to Lima for his funeral. Puck had joined the air force shortly after Finn's death and we continued our long-distance relationship. Part of myself was still reeling with guilt for what I had done to Finn. Eventually Puck showed up at my dorm room at Yale a few weeks later and asked me why I never came. I pushed him away. We temporarily broke up and a few months later, we had learned the Glee Club was disbanding. All of the original members came back to say farewell to the club. I had started seeing a guy named Biff, trying to take my mind off Puck, Finn and start over. Biff turned out to be not a great guy. Puck and I made up those two weeks we spent in Lima and got back together. _

_I got a small apartment off-campus and Puck moved in with me a few months later as I started my sophomore year at Yale. Puck was deployed to Afghanistan for ten months. I made him promise to come home to me. He did. A month after he got back, Puck and I went back to Lima to help Rachel rebuild the glee club at McKinley after her stint on Broadway and her failed attempt at a television show in L.A._

_Puck told me he was being deployed again two weeks into our Lima trip, but this time to Kuwait. A week before he was about to leave me all alone in New Haven, there was a knock at the door. Puck answered it and we had both gasped. Beth, who was five at the time, was standing there at our door, a social worker in tow. Shelby was deathly ill with Stage Four Ovarian Cancer. Shelby wanted Beth to live with Puck and I since Shelby had only months to live. Rachel was now not only without Finn, her dads divorced, but Shelby dying as well._

_We turned our spare bedroom into a bedroom for Beth that day she came back to live with us. Puck managed to get his deployment deferred a few more weeks when he explained the situation to his commanding officer. Shelby died a few days after Beth came to live with us. The funeral was three days later and Shelby was buried in Lima near Finn so that Rachel could visit them both._

_The day after Shelby was buried, Puck and I had a quickie wedding at City Hall in Lima. It was only a small group of people. Both of our mothers, Puck's sister, his brother Jake(who had been forced to transfer out of McKinley the prior year by my former cheerleading coach and at that time, the principal of McKinley), Rachel(who acted as my maid of honor), and Sam(who acted as Puck's best man) attended. I dated Sam briefly to try and make Puck jealous our junior year of high school. Sam's ego is inflated sometimes. What a hot dog. Blaine, Kurt, and Mercedes, Santana and Brittney, and our former teachers, Mr. Schuester and his wife along with their son Daniel, all attended the ceremony. Beth was a beautiful flower girl._

_A couple weeks after Puck was deployed, I found out I was pregnant again. I guess we didn't learn the first time! Thankfully Puck's deployment was short and he was back in New Haven just as I was entering my eighth month of pregnancy. William Finn Puckerman, named for our teacher and best friend respectively, came screaming into the world three weeks later, weighing in at a whopping nine pounds, four ounces._

_Puck and I bought a small house in Lima after he returned from Kuwait and I transferred my Yale credits to Ohio Northern University. Beth started kindergarten that fall at Lima Elementary and I took William with me to my classes at ONU. I graduated that following spring with honors and got a job writing free-lance for the Lima News so I could spend time with Beth and William while Puck was going back and forth between Lima, the base in Dayton, and god knows where. Puck's final deployment came just two weeks after I got my job at the Lima News. Of course it was no surprise to me a few weeks later after Puck was deployed that I discovered we were pregnant with baby number three. Puck was honorably discharged four months into his deployment when a new recruit accidentally shot him in the leg while cleaning his weapon. Puck said it automatically reminded him of Finn. Finn had pretty much been the reason why Puck enlisted in the first place, as Finn had enlisted in the Army after our high school graduation. Finn had been discharged the same way from the Army by getting shot in the leg accidentally. Puck's wound was minor, so he was back on his feet in no time. Caitlin was born four months later. Caitlin is the diva of the family. She has a great fashion sense and is probably going to be successful in the entertainment industry as a model or something._

_Puck went back to school to finish his degree. He majored in Physical Education, and with his credits from serving in the Air Force, he was finished in two years. He had played football for ONU for two years. Puck took a job teaching Phys Ed at McKinley and took over as the Football coach when Coach Bieste took a job in Arizona. He and Sam joint-coached the Titans for four years and four championships. Sam is now the athletic director at Ohio Northern. Puck was offered the chance to coach football and so I quit my job at the Lima News, we sold the house, packed up everything we owned and moved to Evansville, Indiana._

_A few months after we moved to Evansville, I found out I was pregnant with our son Alexander. Eighteen months after that came our fifth child, Sarah. Kevin came ten months after Sarah. Another ten months after Kevin came Mark. Then we had our first set of twins. Fraternal twin girls to be exact. Lily and Caroline. Ten months after them we had Matthew. At that moment, I was done having children. Or so I thought. A few years after Matt, we had our eleventh and twelfth children. Another set of twins. This time, identical boys to Puck's delight. Nathan and Nicholas._

_Beth is twenty-three now and lives in Columbus, finishing up her final year at Ohio State._

"Hey you," said Puck's voice as Quinn looked up from reading over her manuscript, making corrections as she read along. Quinn looked up to see Puck enter their bedroom, sweaty from his daily morning run. At almost forty years old, Puck was still in excellent shape for his age.

"Hey, have a good run?" Quinn asked him.

"Yeah, how's the book coming?" Puck asked.

"Just proofing it before I send it off to Tina," said Quinn, referring to their lifelong friend Tina Cohen-Chang, who had married her McKinley sweetheart Michael Chang Jr.. Because the two both had a common Asian last name, Tina didn't change hers. Tina was now running a publishing company in New York while Mike was a famous dancer that taught at Julliard now. "And look! New Cover! No peanut butter stains this time."

"Why does the mattress look so lumpy?" Puck asked, seeing multiple lumps under the blanket. He knew it was his seven youngest kids and the family dog all hiding under the blankets.

"I don't know, why don't you sit down and find out?" Quinn smiled knowingly. This was a tradition every morning. The seven younger kids would hide in the bed with their bull mastiff, Titan, every morning and Puck would come back and sit on the bed and tickle the kids repeatedly.

Sure enough, Puck bombarded the kids and the dog and soon the kids tackled him.

"Alright! Alright!" said Puck, giving in. "Go get started on making your lunches and get ready for school!" The group dispersed, leaving Puck and Quinn alone.

"William missed his curfew last night," said Quinn as she continued to make notes and corrections. Puck rolled his eyes.

"Again?" Puck asked.

"He's your son," said Quinn. "He definitely takes after you in the ladies department. I do not want to be a grandma before I turn forty."

"I'll talk to him," said Puck as he changed his shirt. Puck walked down to his oldest son's room and knocked on the door. He opened it up and saw William sprawled across the bed.

"William, dude," started Puck, "you got caught by your mother's radar last night."

"Sorry Dad, Jennifer and I fell asleep studying for our math test in her living room," said William.

"You're to be home by ten o'clock on school nights," said Puck. "Make breakfast."

"Yes sir," groaned William and as Puck closed the door, William flopped his face back in the pillows.

Meanwhile, in the hallway, Sarah was banging on the bathroom door with her lacrosse stick.

"Caitlin! You've been in there for an hour! It's my turn!" cried Sarah. Puck kept Sarah from banging her lacrosse stick anymore and he pounded on the door instead.

"Caitlin Nicole Puckerman, your time is up in there! Let everyone else have a turn!" called Puck as he headed downstairs to the kitchen to find everyone else making their lunches. Lunches consisted of peanut butter and jelly, or bologna and American cheese with mustard or ketchup, chips, fruit, and drinks. William was at the stove, cooking scrambled eggs and bacon, while Alex was making all of the toast at the toaster. Those two were the best of friends as the two oldest boys.

Upstairs, Quinn was finished with her proofing when she checked her email and saw an email from Beth, with a picture of her and her college sweetheart.

_Mom, can't make it this afternoon. David and I are moving into our apartment in Columbus today. Love you! ~Beth_

Quinn groaned and rolled her eyes and printed out the email to show Puck downstairs.

"Mom?" Quinn looked up to see Mark with his frog net.

"Yes Mark?"

"Have you seen Beans?" Mark asked.

"Oh don't tell me he got loose again," Quinn groaned.

"Someone let him out, I think it was Nate or Nicky," said Mark.

"I'll help you find him, Sweetheart," said Quinn, getting up from her chair. They walked downstairs to see the group making their lunches and breakfast and sitting around the table.

"Okay everyone, several announcements," said Quinn. "First off, Sarah, your ban from Lacrosse for using excessive force has been lifted so you are going today."

"Yes!" said Sarah, excitedly.

"Alex, you have band practice after school, I cleaned out your trombone. Please do not eat and play at the same time," said Quinn as Alex sheepishly nodded. "Lily, Caroline, your teacher has asked me to remind you to not correct her in class. Also, we have a missing frog on the loose, keep your eyes out for Beans. Nicky, Nate, stay out of Mark's room. I catch you playing with the frog cage again, you will be punished accordingly. Also, you two have a dentist appointment today, so you're going to work with Dad."

"Alright!" cried Nicholas and Nathan, before standing in front of Puck and growling and flexing their arms in front of him.

"Mom, I think I deserve at least an extra five minutes in the bathroom each morning," said Caitlin. "A girl has to look her best you know!"

"Three minutes more," said Quinn.

"Deal," said Caitlin.

"Also, we're shooting our Christmas slash Hannukah card today!" said Puck. "Everyone be home by four o'clock! Alright let's eat!"

"Oh honey, Beth can't make it so we're going to have to photoshop her in!" said Quinn as she set food on the table and group sat down at the table.

"Hey, if Beth is getting photoshopped in, I want to be photoshopped in!" said Sarah.

"No, only Beth is getting photoshopped in," said Puck. "Everyone else be here or be in big trouble."

"Why are we shooting our Christmas slash Hannukah card in May?" asked Caroline.

"Cause we get a bigger discount at the Printer's," replied Puck.

As everyone ate breakfast, Puck heard a croaking noise and shushed everyone.

"I hear Beans, shush!" said Puck. Another croak was heard and Puck looked up and saw Beans in the hanging light.

"Nicky, Nate, did you put him up there?" Puck asked.

"Yes," said Nicky as Nate replied, "No."

"You two are grounded," said Puck. "I'm putting you two to work today! Everyone else stay still." Puck carefully stood up and reached up for Beans. The frog jumped and hopped off the light onto the table and landed in the bowl of scrambled eggs. Eggs went flying around the table and sprayed everyone and everyone screamed in horror.

"My hair!" wailed Caitlin.

"Grab that frog!" cried Puck. The thirteen occupants of the table reached for the frog as food went flying and finally Beans landed in Mark's net.

"Okay Mark, put Beans back in his cage," said Puck calmly. As Mark turned to head to his room, his net pole accidentally hit the china on the shelf behind him, knocking and breaking everything on the shelf.

"Way to go, Fed Ex," said Sarah.

"Is everything broken?" Quinn asked, closing her eyes in dread. "The teacup from my mother with the flowers?"

"Yes," said Puck.

"I'm sorry Mom," said Mark, hanging his head low. Quinn sighed.

"That's okay, just go put Beans in his cage," Quinn replied and Mark walked out of the room. "Okay everyone, let's clean up."

Twenty minutes later, the kids were heading off to school, lunches in one hand, backpacks in the other. Nicky and Nate were wrestling on the lawn as the kids rode their bikes, skateboards and rollerblades, while William and Caitlin drove off to the high school in Puck's old truck. Mark was still walking gloomily. Quinn noticed this.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" asked Quinn.

"Mom, why am I such a screwup? Everyone says the Fed ex guy dropped me off," Mark replied.

"Oh honey, you are not a screwup, and don't listen to your siblings," said Quinn, kissing the top of his head. "See you later." She tapped the back of his behind and Mark got on his bike and pedaled away.

"Boys, stop. Get in the van, NOW!" growled Puck, picking Nicky up off Nate by his pants. The two terrors sprinted to Puck's van and climbed in as Quinn came up to Puck. She held the email out to Puck.

"This is why Beth can't make it," said Quinn. Puck looked at the email and groaned.

"Great, she does this because we never let them sleep in the same room when they come to visit," said Puck, handing the email back to Quinn.

"She's certainly YOUR daughter," replied Quinn. "If we hadn't drank those wine coolers..."

"Oh you know you wanted to whether we were drunk or not," teased Puck as he kissed her and walked towards the van. Quinn's eyes wandered up and down Puck's ass and Puck turned around.

"Are you checking me out?" grinned Puck.

"Maybe," smiled Quinn.

"Twelve kids, and twenty-three years later and we still got it!" said Puck, doing his sawing move. Quinn grinned as she turned around and wiggled her butt as she walked back into the house to finish cleaning.

* * *

><p>Puck led the twin terrors into his office after a good football practice. He had put the two terrors to work, coaching the linemen on the tackling dummies.<p>

"Hey stranger," said a familiar voice as Puck entered the office. Puck grinned as he saw his best friend Sam Evans standing there.

"Dude! Sam! What are you doing here?" Puck asked excitedly as he hugged Sam. "How's Mercedes and the kids?"

"They're all good, Bro," said Sam. "But apparently you don't read the papers, do you?" Sam tossed a copy of the Lima News on the desk. The headline read, "OHIO NORTHERN FOOTBALL COACH FIRED."

"Dude, that coach was five and three," said Puck. "Why?"

"Complaints and pressure from the community," said Sam, shrugging his shoulders. The twins came into the office.

"Uncle Sam!" cried Nicky as he and Nathan tackled the blonde.

"Oh good, you two do remember your Uncle Sam," said Puck with a laugh.

"The hot dog!" Nicky replied as Nathan replied, "Trouty Mouth!" Puck glared at them.

"What? Mom said it first!" replied Nicky as he shrugged his shoulders.

"And who told you about Trouty Mouth?" Sam asked Nathan.

"Auntie Snix," smiled Nathan. Sam and Puck rolled their eyes.

"And Quinn thinks that I'm the bad influence," Puck replied. Sam sighed and shook his head in amusement.

"Hey you two, your dad and I have to talk alone," said Sam.

"Why don't you two go raid the t-shirt bin?" said Puck, shooing the twins out. He closed the door and turned to Sam.

"So why are you REALLY here, Sam?" Puck asked.

"How would you like to coach the Bears?" Sam smiled.

"Wait, you want ME to coach at ONU?" Puck replied.

"I'm desperate, Puck," replied Sam. "Everyone I've interviewed has been rejected by the team and the assistant coaches. When your name came up, everyone agreed on you. Please Puck."

"I gotta discuss this with Quinn and the family," said Puck. "This means moving back to Lima. When something this big affects the whole family, we have to hold a family vote."

"Alright dude, I understand," said Sam. "But everyone wants you guys to come home. Rach, Cedes, Kurt, Blaine, Britt, Santana, they all miss you guys."

"I know," said Puck. "We'll think about it."

"Are you serious?" Quinn asked Puck later that afternoon as Puck told her about Sam's surprise visit and job offer.

"Yeah, Sam wants me to coach the Bears at ONU," said Puck. "The team and other coaches want me. Everyone wants us to come home."

"I know we had thought about maybe going back to Lima, but when the older kids were all out of the house," murmured Quinn.

"Well, we can get a bigger house in Lima," said Puck. "And we'll be closer to Beth and the rest of our families, and our friends."

"We need a family vote," said Quinn.

"I know," said Puck. "We'll break the news to the kids after the photoshoot." As they opened the door, they found their eleven offspring standing at the door. Puck groaned.

"We're MOVING?" cried Caitlin in disbelief.

"Well, that's one 'No' vote," said Puck, looking at Quinn.

"Okay, everyone on the bed," said Quinn, ushering the group in. "Family vote."

The group walked in the sat on the bed.

"Alright, first things first, before we vote, hear your father and I out," said Quinn. "Your dad and I were born and raised in Lima. We have good memories and bad memories. But it is our home. Both of your grandmothers live there. So do all of your aunts and uncles. Uncle Sam needs your dad to coach this football team or Ohio Northern might go under."

"I get it," said Caitlin. "This is more of helping Uncle Sam then doing it for money, right?"

"Yes, it's more of a moral thing," said Quinn.

"I'm in then," said Caitlin.

"Anyone else have any objections?" Quinn asked. No one raised their hands. "I thought so. So it's settled. We're moving back to Lima. Alright, go get ready for the photoshoot."

"What about Beth?" Puck asked Quinn as the kids dispersed. "How will we tell her?"

"I'll call her," said Quinn, picking up the phone. She dialed Beth's number.

"_Hi Mom!"_ said Beth.

"Hi sweetie, guess what? Your father is taking the football coach job at Ohio Northern and we're moving everyone back to Lima!"

"_Really?"_ Beth asked. _"Good, because I'm tired of driving five and a half hours to come see you."_

"Your father still has to call Uncle Sam and tell him he wants the job," said Quinn.

"_Well, David and I will be happy to help you unpack in the new place,"_ said Beth.

"Okay, we'll keep you posted," said Quinn.

"_Bye Mom, love you,"_ said Beth.

"Love you too, baby girl," said Quinn.


End file.
